Why we are called "The Liberty Tree".

Now I have entered this brave new world of blogging, I feel the best place to start is to share why I chose to call mine The Liberty Tree. It is not just about finding an appropriate title for my blog. It comes from a precious gift given but also taken away.
At the end of March 2008 at a routine scan, my husband and I discovered that both our twins had passed away. I was 17 weeks pregnant. Almost immediately I was asked to sign forms to allow the doctors to bring about a miscarriage. I will always be thankful that I decided to just go home. I was told I must return within a couple of days. On the silent journey home, a voice kept saying in my head, "keep it natural"! I didn't understand, but I didn't ignore it. After much research and many phone calls, I was led to visit a Herbalist who felt she could help me. I had informed the hospital that I wanted everything to come about naturally and they informed me that for my own safety they would allow me 2 weeks, but if nothing had happened by then, I would have to allow them their medical procedure. I met the Herbalist with only one day to go. We discussed thoroughly my medical history and while we waited, she made up a liquid mixture for me to take that would, she believed, bring on my labour naturally. We prayed so hard that night that it would work, and on waking on the 10th April 2008, (also our 9th wedding anniversary) my labour pains began. We made arrangements for the children and made our way to the hospital. We were taken to a 'special' room, but a brief conversation with the midwife made me feel unsure about being there. I was looking at Phil hoping he would have an answer, when the midwife added, "Oh dear, you don't know what you want, do you?" And at that moment I found myself telling her that I knew exactly what I wanted and that we were going back home. We headed back to the car and Phil was asking me what exactly was I going to do? I am eternally grateful that my loving husband just came with me and trusted me, even though I actually had no idea what I was doing. We sat in the car and I remembered that the Herbalist had told me that she had just trained as a Doula,(a support giver for a woman in labour and for her family too) I called her and asked if she would come to our home and help support us. None of my children have been born at home, so this was all new to me, yet I felt strangely confident about the whole thing. I made it up to our bedroom and Phil began to make it as homely, calm and peaceful as he could. As he lit some candles I delivered our first twin. I wasn't scared, it was just the two of us with our baby, tiny, but ours, born to us, belonging to our family. The midwife rang. She was very concerned and was sending 2 midwives to be with us. She asked if anything had happened yet, we told her nothing yet. We didn't want to share that moment with anyone. The Doula arrived first, bringing oils to massage me with, oils for the oil burner and beautiful wild flowers and herbs from her garden. She had thought we might want to lay them around the babies. She was wonderful and calm and looked after my pain so that Phil and I could just "BE" together. The 2 midwives arrived next. They too were wonderful. They were worried because they had never experienced a home delivery in this situation before. But they stayed back, they didn't interfere and as our second twin was delivered, they began to understand why I had wanted this, and so did I! Our first twin we named Otis Malakai; Otis because Phil just liked the name and Malakai being Hebrew for Angel. Our second beautiful twin we named Willow Malika; Willow meaning slender and graceful and also because Willow is one of the gifts for a 9th wedding anniversary, Malika being African for Angel. Our two together, born to us, born into our family. Even though they never drew breath, they are counted.
Our children returned home. They already knew about the twins and that they would be born but not live. We explained everything to them, then aged 6 & 8, and felt it right to give them the choice to see them. They both wanted to. We had laid them out with the flowers and the herbs and both William and Grace immediately loved their brother and sister. We made sure that positive things could come from this painful time for ALL of us, and it did. William and Grace were of course sad, and also felt the loss but will openly and happily talk about Otis and Willow frequently.
I know that this story has still not reached it's purpose and alot more happened that I shall leave out, purely for lack of relevance.
Once I had recovered, we had more decisions to make. Otis and Willow had to be taken to the mortuary at the hospital. We had already decided we did not want any tests performed on them as I believe that God had his purpose and it was for us to trust in that. "Keep it natural" was still relevant as far as we were concerned. We just wanted our babies to be back with us. We had looked into a woodland burial but could not afford it. I had felt they should be buried at home but we only have a small paved back yard. It was with some trepidation that I asked the chaplain if we were allowed to bury them under a tree.......but in a pot! She was a little taken aback but said she would find out for us. It was allowed. By law the babies would have to leave the mortuary in a closed casket and very kindly a local funeral parlour had already offered to do this for us free of charge. We brought them home and prepared for their burial. We didn't want to make a big thing of it but knew that some people may feel left out, so we sent out little gift tags and asked that people write their feelings or messages and send them back to us. We made a new casket from handmade paper for Otis and Willow. Grace put flowers in with them and the children said their goodbyes. My parents and our 2 best friends waited outside with William & Grace while Phil and I carefully covered our beautiful twins. That was the point when my heart broke into tiny pieces, knowing that we had to set them free, to say goodbye. We carried them to the garden and laid them gently to rest. We played some sweet songs, read bible verses, Grace had chosen and read a poem (coincidentally, she had chosen the poem that Sam, our eldest, had chosen and read at our wedding, very poignant!) And then Phil and I read them their bedtime story of our love and feelings for them. We planted their tree and hung all the little messages, that friends and family had sent, on the branches.My parents gave us a card that they had bought for us before the twins had died. It was a beautiful picture of 2 identical butterflies,. My friend Catherine had made lunch for us all and we had invited others to come for tea and cake in the afternoon, both midwives came too and that meant alot to me that they would take time out for us like that.
A couple of weeks later we all put our backs into making the rest of the garden look nice and tidy, we felt we owed that to Otis and Willow and their tree. Phil had to pop out and so I decided to take a break and sit in our now pretty garden. As I sat alone 2 identical butterflies appeared before me, they were dancing around each other by the Olive tree, like small children playing.Thankfully, Phil came home just in time and was able to see this little miracle for himself. Every year our Olive tree has produced just 2 olives. Otis and Willows short but precious coming will live in our hearts forever. It has changed me so completely, it has freed my heart from pain and allowed me to KEEP IT NATURAL  in all parts of our lives as a family. I was already home educating when they died but since then I have allowed this new found LIBERTY to wash over me and the way I look at raising our beautiful children, at how they learn. I know that I can and will trust in my own knowledge and ability to do what is best for my children. NOBODY else can ever KNOW them like I do or LOVE them like I do.

I will never forget you, dear Otis and Willow, you both came, our butterflies, you showed us it was right and good, that we set you free. Watching you dance and play together in your garden gave me comfort, it gave me peace. Thank you my precious children, my sweet butterflies! Thank you for that gift of Liberty, the fruit from your Tree. xx